Where’s My 10 Lane Freeway?

Have you ever wondered about why you think a certain way or have certain perceptions? Maybe you see areas in other people that seem to be easy for them and yet for you it’s hard.

We start creating our own eco systems from the day that we are born. Every human being was born with the need to survive. It’s hardwired in you. How your brain perceived how much you needed to do to survive, is how it built its eco system.

An eco system is the way every living thing on the planet uses to survive. Each living thing is different. I live in the 450 mile stretch between Oregon and California where Redwoods are native.

Redwoods need a certain climate. There are redwoods now in many other countries of the world, but they are imported from here. A interesting detail about redwoods that get planted in other places, is that it is rare for them to be able to reproduce themselves in the wild once they are established there. What someone in England has to do to have redwoods is harder than what I do. I do nothing. They come up on their own everywhere here. Why? We have the right eco system for them. How does this relate to you and me?

One of the things that a child’s eco system needs is physical and emotional help. As a parent, it’s my job to teach my child how to thrive in society. In order for this to happen, I need to help support their body, soul, and spirit until they learn on their own how to do it themselves.

Some of us got this lesson. We came from stable homes. We had food on the table. Our parents had good social interaction, and were able to teach us as well how to reproduce that. Your family helps give you a work ethic, teaches you how to manage money, how to dream about something and pursue that dream. They were your life cheerleader. They encouraged you to take risks and were there as a soft landing when things didn’t work out like you hoped. You were heard. When you cried you were listened to, comforted, and regulated. It was ok in your home to have a need and express that need. In an environment like this, a child can stay out of survival mode, has a way to find success.

A lot of people would read that list and either wish that they had grown up that way. A child won’t die without learning all of these skills, but a child will turn into an adult who has a 10 lane freeway in their mind of dysfunctional thoughts. These adults think that everyone is against them. They don’t show emotion or needs, or the opposite happens, and they can’t fulfill a simple need on their own. They are looking for someone to do things for them because they never were supported in how do learn themselves.

They will feel lonely if they weren’t taught social skills. In fact, they will say things like I don’t need people. I never have. The truth is that they desperately want to have people to connect with, but their past tells them it’s not safe to do that. They weren’t shown, and it’s more painful to be socially awkward and try, than to be alone. They can have one failed relationship after another, I could go on and on. At the end of the day, this persons’s biggest question is what’s wrong with me?

This is my favorite conversation to have with someone, because it will be the first time that they hear that there is nothing wrong with them, it was what they needed to do to survive growing up. It all goes back to the need to survive.

What is the difference between you and other people? They didn’t have to survive. They were planted in a well taken care of garden. Others were the plants on the 75 percent off table. Nothing is wrong with the plants on the 75 percent off table, except someone didn’t take care of their needs so they could thrive.

I actually have never met a person that grew up in a perfect eco system for them. There are places in all of us that have 10 lane freeways in our brain to lies that we believe that somehow are supposed to protect us. The problem is that they don’t.

If you want to grow, you will have to face these lies that we hold onto and do the opposite of what we want to do. If I believe that I don’t need people, I need to understand that God created me for social interaction. It was God and Adam, God decided that this wasn’t going to work. The better plan was to create Eve as Adam’s partner.

When we say all we need is God, we are feeding that survival thing that is actually causing the problem instead of fixing it. How do I know? Because the Maker of the Universe made Eve. He is what establishes my best life. Not me.

I go through seasons of my life where I am shown places where I have created an unhealthy eco system. Once I am aware, the first step for me then becomes what am I going to do?

I’ve learned when I encounter the thought, the next thing I need to do, is tell myself that what I am thinking right now is wrong. It’s not accurate. Not everyone hates me. I’m not a failure at everything.

I then have to follow up by doing the opposite of how I am feeling. Say yes when my fear says no and no when my fear says yes.

Fear isn’t ever God. When I feel fear, it’s my cue to do the opposite.